You know what Im fucking tired of.
Spending shit tons of my money and time to change something I can never permanently change thats not my fault. I dont care how much shit i get from everyone when I rant about how much I hate my hair, my skin, my voice, my body. I know I could have worse problems but that doesnt always help. It doesnt help that I am infatuated with the visual world anyway which just makes my insecurities so much more personal and worse.How can I talk about art and what is spatially correct when Im not even at that point in my own being? I hate that I have to be constantly dying my hair in order to not feel like the dirt of the world. I hate how much time I spend every other night waiting for my tanning lotion to dry sitting up so straight that i have back pain the next day while everyone else gets plenty of rest. Not to mention I look like a fat white freak before i do, so I have to strategically plan when nobody will be around in my dorm and if there are people outside in the common room Ill just have to wait until they leave because I have to do it or else I will be horribly insecure the next day and wont be able to have any fun because that is just how fucked up I am with all this. Im tired of my skin breaking out and having to go spend more money on electrical appliances that are also embarrassing to fix it, all because I wear enough makeup to hide the horrible redness in my skintone that only accentuates my whiteness. I hate how I seem to be the only one i know who wasnt born with the automatic skinny gene that all kids grow up with and then either keep or add pounds to because i never had that option in the first place. not to mention when i workout, my muscle growth goes insane so i dont get ANY smaller, in fact bigger and firmer. which from there I have to take expensive sketchy HCG hormones to lose ANY relevant weight because when i binge diet i just gain weight cause im one of those lucky people whose bodies think they are starving in siberia. cool story huh? my legs are so short that In order to feel confident i have to wear shoes with a heel to make me look smaller, which causes back aches all day and all night on top of everything. I hate the shape of my wrists, no matter how skinny my arms have been you can always see the little fat inferior kid around them in little whispers that maybe only I recognize. Its like this everywhere, like I can never really escape it. These arent just it anymore, I dealt with this my whole life relatively okay. Now its growing like i feel like nothing is okay on me anymore, even the things that are nice and normal. Everyone goes on and on about how they wish they had my boobs, but I try to hid them to look thinner. Now my hair isnt long enough, so I buy extensions. Now my eyelashes aren’t good enough either…kaching! I never minded my face before, in fact it was the one thing I didnt hate. Now guess who can’t wait to lose 30 pounds of cheeks? Im just so sick. I try not to think about it and attribute it to being girly. How the fuck am I ever supposed to get married?!?! This must drive my husband nuts. “Oh no don’t lay next to me hunny, Im tanning.” “Dont look at me when I get out of the shower, my makeup will be gone and my face will be beet red.” Okay maybe that whole digression was a bit indulgent. But really though. If I just had money for a skin graph, laser beam surgery, nip tucks, and week by week hair color appts, I sware I would literally give all the rest to Africa. how sad is it that I just typed that sentence?? Im so tired of putting so much energy into hiding myself and instead calling it some kind of artistic bullshit not only because Im worried about others accepting me but me accepting myself, which I could never and will never be able to do. I feel so small and unwanted by anyone inside of my real self. Ill probably regret being such a baby on here tomorrow and go on being the optimistic laid back Kass who feeds off the inspiration of life. We all have our weak moments right? All I have to say is I really fucking hope that all this weight I suddenly gained out of nowhere in the last week isnt because Im pregnant from the asshole that fucked me over the other weekend. Yeah I went there. Dont get me started on those issues either. Goodnight.
